THE WEED’S DEED – ALL IN NEED OR GREED? – A PLAY IN THREE ACTS

(Karthik Narayan)

Act I: At the restroom (read nets) before an IPL (Indian Premier Leak) cricket match.

A bearded saint was doing his business when a tall lanky handsome guy walks in. The introductions happen – the saint is Sirbhajan Singh (recently got Knighted by the Board for Corruption Creators in India) and the lanky guy is Resanth (he reinvented himself after coming to the Indian team!).

Resanth: Oh paaji. I have a small problemo!

Sirbhajan: Tell me; let me see how I can fix it for ya.

Resanth: it's like this – I have been offered a chance to act in a Bollywood-Chollywood types movie with four hot heroines. But there is only one snag.

Sirbhajan: Oh that is good. Really good. I could have sworn had I tried I would have got that role! Oh anyway, what's the big deal?

Resanth: No, the problem is – I need to act for a couple of scenes! Now, that is so hard, even our best of actors struggle to get through two scenes in a movie.

Sirbhajan: Aww, that's tough man. Did you ask Sach-in? He has great experience acting in a lot of commercials. Plus in the last few months, he has spent more time in ads than in cricket itself.

Resanth: Yes but he acts more or less Pogo channel types. My director has asked me to act in a scene where I have to cry!!

Sirbhajan: Hmmmmmmmm – you know what? He is a great actor. In fact, he is acting like he is injured so he can pocket easy money for this series. He is a genius, I say!

Resanth: Ok, I will enquire with him on how to do this.

Sirbhajan: Besides, don't forget – he is my Godfather. Whenever I do something stupid, he backs me up. Like the last time I did some monkey business, remember?

Resanth: Oh yeah, I remember that one. We had a good laugh at the expense of the Aussies. The first time in the mystery of cricket did the Awful Aussies crumble before our mighty money power!

Curtains – with Resanth's resounding laughter echoing and Sirbhajan trying to think with his miniscule brain cells.

X X X

Act II:

Sirbhajan is seen discussing with Sachin just before the match. Sirbhajan is unable to overcome his disability to think, so he chooses to take the help of Sachin. He has called for an emergency meeting of all senior players. The agenda is how to help Resanth become Rekanth, like one of the Superstar actors in India.

Sachin: Bhajji Bhai – be a true MumBHAI Indian. Use your brain, Err, do what you do best – shout nasty at him, make him cry like a crybaby.

Sirbhajan: No Sachin, I really got scared stiff the last time he showed that face at the Aussies! I won't dare do that to him. What if – he retaliates? No, I cannot even imagine that! No, I can’t handle this!

Sachin: I got it! This will push your TRP ratings also high – will make you feel like a man! Hayden didn't call you weed for nothing – you are the weed for this Indian team, remember that!

Sirbhajan: Don’t flatter me, hehe

Sachin: Let's have a slap bet. You slap him, if he cries you win; I will make you captain for the rest of the series. Otherwise I win, I will try playing in the future games. Again, it’s my handbook, mind you.

Sirbhajan: Anything you want! I feel so handicapped now. Just get me out of this mess. I never should have agreed to help that Resanth guy…

Sachin (with a grin): The hand in hand relationship finally would collapse in front of all those mass audiences. I love it!

X X X

The Final Act (Alternatively – the deed by the weed)

Sirbhajan hatches a plot to get Resanth kick-start his acting career, and as usual, finds the best solutions – to take matters into his own hands.

Right after the match gets over, Sirbhajan hands over the match to his opposition. Then goes over to Resanth to execute his handiwork.

As Resanth extends his hand for a man-to-man shake, Sirbhajan places his hand on Resanth's cheek.

Resanth goes ‘Oow’, and starts his acting career with tears of joy! (Thus was written, the parvata of Rekanth the great actor who would appear in movies like – The Handshake Redemption, Some like it Hard, Bravehand, Rekantha Jones and the last slapped, Slapotouille, Slap Hard (with three sequels), S for Slap, Slap Story 1 and 2, Slap wars, 12 Angry Slaps, Raiders of the Lost Slap, Lord of the Slaps, The Shining Hand and many others).

As curtains are brought down by the crew, we see the lone sulking figure of Sachin in the corner. The audience weeps for his sad state of affairs…