Dravid - a distant No2

There was a huge hullaboo around Sachin Tendulkar's 20 years in international cricket. While this is by no means a small feat, I was thinking of the No.2 player in Indian cricket - Rahul Dravid. A guy who has been on the sidelines for various reasons best not known to even him.

The selectors have been their usual self - the bunch of jokers, only they are being paid in legal terms. ie - the first set of guys who are actually paid to select an Indian team! Can you imagine that!!

Anyway, that calls for a separate topic by itself. Coming back to Dravid, I wondered how many other batsmen have been around for 15 years plus, scored over 10000 runs in tests and ODIs. Easily the best batsman in the team after Sachin. In terms of commitment, determination, concentration and skills, Dravid may even be a notch above Tendulkar.

The greatest critic of Sachin always says one thing: that he is not a finisher. Even the other day when he scored 175 runs, he ended up making another World Record; of being the best score when a team lost chasing.

Dravid for his part has played a perfect team role. He has scored when it mattered most, at a decent pace too. You cant blame the guy if he couldnt play lofted shots early in his career but he changed his game soon after.

I think we should try and preserve the good players, respect them and encourage them instead of ignoring them.

11000 test runs is a great achievement. Only 5 people have done it so far. That speaks volumes about the man's deeds.

I think we should celebrate Dravid as much as we do for Sachin, if not more.

The leaked tape of the Indian Premier Leak

(Karthik Narayan)

Breaking news: guess what our lucky reporter ran into when he accidentally stepped into cow dung – he managed to overhear and tape an interesting conversation. Here are some excerpts from the leaked tape. Now that’s what we call holy shit!

Modi: Malcolm, fast!

Malcolm Speed: It’s actually Speed.

Modi: Oh? Nice movie. Saw it three times.

Malcolm Speed: No, Speed, really.

Modi: Eh? Anyway, I understand that you like instant action, but don’t be so impatient, my friend (Pauses to cough) I told Pawar about this concept and he is thrilled that we are all going to be in the money, err. I mean we will all have some good cricket action.

Malcolm: What difference does it make, anyway? So, what’s your idea?

Modi: Look, its summer in India. What makes the biggest news in the Indian summers?

Malcolm: Question Paper Leak?

Modi: Exactly! After the QPL, it shall be….

Malcolm: The ICL?

Modi: You mean, the Indian Chemical Leak?

No, not Bhopal! Anyway you are on the right track. I give you - the name Indian Physical Leak!

Malcolm: Hmmm. doesn’t sound all that great to me. I mean, we need a flashy title to it, even if it’s some dumb thing.

Modi: Ok? Then… the Indian Public Leak? Indian Procrastinated Leak? Indian Powerful Leak (or Pawar-full Leak). Practice Leak? Premium Leak? Prepaid Leak? Premier Leak? (Catches up with breath. He is panting to no end now)

Malcolm: Ah, the last one is a lot better! It’s got a nice feel to it. It’s between Premium Leak and Premier Leak – I guess we should go with the latter; the former looks pricey. So how does this work?

Modi: Do you know what is the biggest business; which is universal across the globe; that every man and woman wants, comes at a price but is worth it?

Malcolm: Umm, no can’t even guess. What is such a great thing in this world?

Modi: Almost everybody pays for it; this is done even in the jungles/ walls and movie posters. The poor worms, snails repel this so much they quit their jobs. Mosquitoes stopped tearing people’s blood cells and instead tore at their own! It gives a shiver up a snake’s spine. Lizards couldn’t stand it that they don’t leave even their tails behind anymore! All living beings go berserk because of this act by humans. What is it?

Malcolm: Hey let me have three guesses please?

Modi: All right!

Malcolm: A – watching cricket and golf in adjacent TV sets and trying to decide which is more boring. B – Listening to Sirbhajan and Resanth swearing at each other, at everyone in sight and not in sight. C – Trying to figure out who is a better actor, the cricketers or the movie stars.

Modi: No, no and no! Going for a leak, that’s what! Using the restroom. Why is it called the rest room anyway? I do not recall taking rest in that smelly place..

Anyway, it will be the world’s greatest show on earth! Movie stars and cricketers in the same ground, leaking! Imagine the crowd size, the fun and the gala time we will have…

But first, we should have a urine test and an auction! Believe me, this will be the greatest waste on earth!

(To be concluded)

THE WEED’S DEED – ALL IN NEED OR GREED? – A PLAY IN THREE ACTS

(Karthik Narayan)

Act I: At the restroom (read nets) before an IPL (Indian Premier Leak) cricket match.

A bearded saint was doing his business when a tall lanky handsome guy walks in. The introductions happen – the saint is Sirbhajan Singh (recently got Knighted by the Board for Corruption Creators in India) and the lanky guy is Resanth (he reinvented himself after coming to the Indian team!).

Resanth: Oh paaji. I have a small problemo!

Sirbhajan: Tell me; let me see how I can fix it for ya.

Resanth: it's like this – I have been offered a chance to act in a Bollywood-Chollywood types movie with four hot heroines. But there is only one snag.

Sirbhajan: Oh that is good. Really good. I could have sworn had I tried I would have got that role! Oh anyway, what's the big deal?

Resanth: No, the problem is – I need to act for a couple of scenes! Now, that is so hard, even our best of actors struggle to get through two scenes in a movie.

Sirbhajan: Aww, that's tough man. Did you ask Sach-in? He has great experience acting in a lot of commercials. Plus in the last few months, he has spent more time in ads than in cricket itself.

Resanth: Yes but he acts more or less Pogo channel types. My director has asked me to act in a scene where I have to cry!!

Sirbhajan: Hmmmmmmmm – you know what? He is a great actor. In fact, he is acting like he is injured so he can pocket easy money for this series. He is a genius, I say!

Resanth: Ok, I will enquire with him on how to do this.

Sirbhajan: Besides, don't forget – he is my Godfather. Whenever I do something stupid, he backs me up. Like the last time I did some monkey business, remember?

Resanth: Oh yeah, I remember that one. We had a good laugh at the expense of the Aussies. The first time in the mystery of cricket did the Awful Aussies crumble before our mighty money power!

Curtains – with Resanth's resounding laughter echoing and Sirbhajan trying to think with his miniscule brain cells.

X X X

Act II:

Sirbhajan is seen discussing with Sachin just before the match. Sirbhajan is unable to overcome his disability to think, so he chooses to take the help of Sachin. He has called for an emergency meeting of all senior players. The agenda is how to help Resanth become Rekanth, like one of the Superstar actors in India.

Sachin: Bhajji Bhai – be a true MumBHAI Indian. Use your brain, Err, do what you do best – shout nasty at him, make him cry like a crybaby.

Sirbhajan: No Sachin, I really got scared stiff the last time he showed that face at the Aussies! I won't dare do that to him. What if – he retaliates? No, I cannot even imagine that! No, I can’t handle this!

Sachin: I got it! This will push your TRP ratings also high – will make you feel like a man! Hayden didn't call you weed for nothing – you are the weed for this Indian team, remember that!

Sirbhajan: Don’t flatter me, hehe

Sachin: Let's have a slap bet. You slap him, if he cries you win; I will make you captain for the rest of the series. Otherwise I win, I will try playing in the future games. Again, it’s my handbook, mind you.

Sirbhajan: Anything you want! I feel so handicapped now. Just get me out of this mess. I never should have agreed to help that Resanth guy…

Sachin (with a grin): The hand in hand relationship finally would collapse in front of all those mass audiences. I love it!

X X X

The Final Act (Alternatively – the deed by the weed)

Sirbhajan hatches a plot to get Resanth kick-start his acting career, and as usual, finds the best solutions – to take matters into his own hands.

Right after the match gets over, Sirbhajan hands over the match to his opposition. Then goes over to Resanth to execute his handiwork.

As Resanth extends his hand for a man-to-man shake, Sirbhajan places his hand on Resanth's cheek.

Resanth goes ‘Oow’, and starts his acting career with tears of joy! (Thus was written, the parvata of Rekanth the great actor who would appear in movies like – The Handshake Redemption, Some like it Hard, Bravehand, Rekantha Jones and the last slapped, Slapotouille, Slap Hard (with three sequels), S for Slap, Slap Story 1 and 2, Slap wars, 12 Angry Slaps, Raiders of the Lost Slap, Lord of the Slaps, The Shining Hand and many others).

As curtains are brought down by the crew, we see the lone sulking figure of Sachin in the corner. The audience weeps for his sad state of affairs…

Monkey Business – the cricket connect

(Karthik Narayan)

If Darwin did a John 1:1, this is how it would look like:

“In the beginning, there was the word; and the word was monkey!”

I had my doubts – when Darwin came in my nightmares (read biology classes) and told me that man came from monkey, I scowled at him. I gave him a banana and asked him to go climb some tree. But I think that I made a mistake…

When I first saw the cricketing crowd in Mumbai imitate a gorilla, I thought they were fancying Andrew Symonds’ speed and skill, but later I came to know they were being themselves. More importantly, I would have never guessed cricket would be the harbinger of Darwin’s theory.

I always thought Harbhajan was as full of tricks as a monkey, but I didn’t know he would do “the monkey” dance for a healthy crowd at Sydney Cricket Ground and millions others watching from home or work. A nice way to begin the year 2008, I am sure.

I knew I had found out the answer to evolution. I was a monkey’s uncle now. Not to mention I was becoming wise monkey.

Though I still wonder, who the trainer is, behind all this. Any answers?

Make up your mind, fellas...

(Karthik Narayan)

I have heard of people finding out if they love someone... they pick up a flower (preferably one with lots of petals), and starts plucking one by one - calling out, "he/ she loves me, loves me not" until they run out of petals....

Likewise the Bob Woolmer case is being played like a game of "Tug of war" out there... One day they say its murder, the next day they proclaim it to be of natural causes.

Make up your mind fellas. or do you want poor Bobby to come out of the grave to tell us how he died?

Whats next on this front - calling in some Black magic expert to summon his spirits?

All in good spirits, I hope!!

3rd test - DAY FIVE REPORT:

(Karthik Narayan)

English hopes of putting up a fight rested on the shoulders of Flintoff, Pietersen and the tail. Warne as always bowled with his wizardry to spindle out some batsmen, to surmount the pressure on England again. Clark chipped in with two useful wickets, McGrath had done the damage late on day four with two wickets off 3 balls.

England had nowhere to hide now. It was all but over, with Pietersen resisting the assault.

Day five was a test for the Aussie bowlers, how often they can gather wickets, how better they could take catches, how accurate their bowlers were at hitting the stumps and how good their appeals (read screams of “howie”). If it was anything else, do let me know. It was Aussie might against Aussie might – more on the lines of a net practice.

Englishmen lasted, squirmed, played around, did their gardening, tried wasting time at the crease. One thing was sure, both the teams had done better than their first innings, but for England, it would not be enough.

Flintoff’s 51 delayed the obvious, but when Warne had succumbed him to a “bowled” victim across his nearing 700 list, it was 336/6, good, not good enough.

Jones, Mahmood, Harmison and Panesar hit nothing but the dust and by lunch on day 5, England were 349/9, hanging on to dear mother earth for nothing, really. As soon as they were back, Warne bowled Panesar, and that was it!

Aussies had regained the Ashes, and that too in clean straight wins.

There was no doubt regarding the Player of the Match – Mike Hussey. Australia won by 206 runs, with Warne needing just one wicket on his home test to get to the magic figure of 700!

3rd test - DAY FOUR REPORT

(Karthik Narayan)

England had a bad start, Strauss and the team didn’t trouble the scorers, but they recovered with good partnerships from Cook and Bell, Cook scoring his 4th century before he has turned the age of 22, something commendable for a youngster.

That partnership of 170 set up the platform for a decent fightback from England – they have to make a world record to win the test (which is unlikely), but at least if their hearts don’t sink in earlier than their wickets, we may see some cricket yet.

At the end of Day four, England were 265/5, the face off between pride and time – whichever would be salvaged was the question on anybody’s lips.

3rd TEST - DAY THREE REPORT

(Karthik Narayan)

Australia most certainly had the upper hand in both this test and the series – all they had to do was knock up their killer punch. That is precisely what they did!

Hayden and Ponting’s stiff resolve to fight up their skins brought the hosts up to 206-3, a position of respect, if not anything lesser. This was but a glimpse of the ferocity that was yet to come!!

Hussey (he is really ruling the cricketing world right now) and Clarke (good ol’ pup) came to the crease. They both rummaged through the English attack as the “Men in White (shirt and trousers) and baggy green (caps)” and simply left the Englishmen panting. So much chasing after the ball, so much running back to bowl another delivery at these men brought only “@#&^!*&” rather than wickets.

Just when they saw the back of Hussey, the Englishmen might have sighed relief – please hold your breath, said the guily Gilly. The “walk man” came in with about 2 hours before declaration and had clear instructions to go out there and have a party. And the party came – 8 boundaries took Gilchrist to 50 in 40 balls and the demonic attack of pulverizing anything short, wide brought him a ball short of equaling the World Record for the fastest test hundred. Viv Richards might not have had tasted fear when he faced the lethal bowlers, but he most certainly would have had a dollop of fear when his record was nearly thrashed out.

Gilchrist made 100 in 57 balls, the second fastest in test history, Clarke stood for his sterling 135* and that said it all. England were done in, Ashes had passed hands and 557 looked like a mountain of sorts.

End of day three – England were 19/1, with Strauss falling to Brett Lee on nought.

DAY TWO REPORT, 3rd test, dec 14-18, 06

(Karthik Narayan)

England started with a little bit of sun and a lot of Aussie hopes for the day – more Warney’s than “Kevin”, “flint” or even “monty” (cos he wouldn’t be bowling today, perhaps?) Nah, Aussie hopes were high as it is, and their fans were never let down.

England’s late evening troubles were to be laid at rest by the reliable Collingwood & Strauss, but sorry – McGrath had ideas to break them off, Collingwood departed with 4 more runs to the total.

Flintoff and Strauss had a brief partnership, but England were destined to be slayed by Aussie demonic bowlers (McGrath isn’t demonic, nor is Clark, they are just good enough not to be ignored).

55-3; 82-4; 107-5; 114-6; 128-7 – just meant one thing. Aussies were on top and Englishmen were rock bottoming themselves into the gutter. It took a “brave” rescue innings from Pietersen (70 runs), and a decent 42 from Strauss to bring England even closer to the 244 runs that they had given. 215 isn’t a big total, neither is 29 a great lead, but in this low scoring match, it could be devastating yet.

Day two belonged to Australia, as they wrapped up the end of day – their second innings was a promising one: Hayden and Ponting finding the runs. Ponting’s runs were no doubt, he has had the silken touch with the willow, but Hayden’s innings will give Australia the comfort they have always enjoyed – one of their opening batsmen firing, if not both!

This test is taking shape again – and it looks like the Aussie second innings could be the crucial. Whether it crunches enough numbers for Warne, Lee & the others is the question that remains.

THE ASHES TEST THREE – WACA, PERTH – DEC 14-18, 2006

DAY ONE REPORT

(Karthik Narayan)

Perth is traditionally a bouncy, pacy wicket, and it suits bowlers like Brett Lee, who are more aggressive, hit the deck bowlers in today’s cricketing world.

To take full advantage of their commanding position, the Aussies won the toss and decided to bat. They needed to make runs and then bring Lee, Warne in to skittle the Poms.

For the Poms, this test was going to test them fully in terms of mental preparedness and the ability to fight back. The tussle was on, and we were all going to gather for a feast for the eyes and the senses!

Hoggard has been a threat for the grass on which he treads, nothing else. But today he had to do something special. So also Harmison hasn’t troubled many people sleeping while he had been bowling, not definitely the scorers in terms of wickets – perhaps runs!

Langer-Hayden, one of the destructive opening pairs in test history were together for all of 47 runs – Hoggard striking with a fantastic delivery.

Wickets fell at constant intervals – Hayden has not done much for himself in this series, and the trend continued. The big man is losing his touch, by the looks of it. Ponting, Clarke, Symonds came and went back. So did Gilchrist for a duck – Panesar doing the trick for England. Australia collapsed to 172/6 and it was Hussey (the man with the Golden bat) who scored runs along with the middle order to place Australia to a decent 244. Hussey held up one side and scored an unbeaten 74.

Hoggard started off things, Monty had his say – his 5 wicket haul was the first by an English spinner at Perth. Harmison had four to his name. overall, an English day in Oz-land. This test series isn’t going to end so easily, it seems.

Against this, the Englishmen started their first innings in not the way they wanted – McGrath and Lee picking up a wicket each. 37/2 with ended up at 51/2 at stumps, Collingwood and Strauss batting at the crease.

Damien Martyn: The Man for the Moments

(Karthik Narayan)

Elasticity was found in inanimate things in the late 20th Century, but amongst humans, the elastic Damien Martyn was born on 21st October 1971 at Darwin. He is so elastic in the field, stretching every limb to its edge and maybe even further.

Martyn came into the scene in 1992-93, when he got a hitchhike from Dean Jones, now a famous commentator, at his expense though! The lean patch and age of Dean Jones helped Martyn get a break into a team where one has to fight for a place in the side and further survival!

While one majestic square drive from the bat of Ian Bradshaw has been talked about so highly, the very same square drive was nearly the Waterloo for this simple yet stylish in his own way - right-handed batsman. In the 2nd test at Sydney in 1993-94 against the Proteas, he made that very extravagant drive…the drive drove him back to the drawing room. He was ousted from the team immediately. The Aussies don’t like losing, and they lost that test by a narrow margin of 5 runs! Chasing just 117 runs for an important test win, the Aussies collapsed just 7 runs short of victory. Damien would never have been so crossed with himself. Timid McGrath could not last that final frontier of 7 runs and gone, the Aussies had lost at home!

Sporting an average in the high Forties in tests, this technically savvy super star boasts of 13 hundreds in 67 tests till date, with 161 against the Sri Lankans on the spinner friendly pitch at Kandy in 2003-04, which is something really commendable. He helped Australia get a stranglehold on the game, and shave the Lions’ beards in their own Den!

Talking about Martyn’s ODI stints, he was never the quickest scorer to begin with, but slowly he learnt what it takes to be a ODI player, and he learnt it quick. He was not in the team for most of his early twenties, when he was the freshest face in the Aussie team. Well he is still no less fresh than what he was, but after missing 4 years of his cricketing career, he clawed on to an opportunity against India in 1998 with all the guts to make a Golden Comeback of sorts.

Getting back into a team where every performance counts and every run counts is the toughest for any player, however great his records may be. Damien Martyn knew how hard it was to get a test place in this Aussie team that does not take shirkers! Finally after 5 years of exile in Test Cricket, he was finally chosen to play for the series in New Zealand. He managed to wedge a decent 78 at Wellington and then an 89* at Hamilton. At that time, that was his highest score in Test matches.
His first hundred in tests came against England at Birmingham in the Ashes 2001.

Soon after this, his test place was in no danger as he started to score runs at free will. Splendid strokes matched one another from his willow, and soon he was back in business as one of Australia’s best middle order batsman in contemporary times.
His first world cup was the 1999 World Cup in England; where he could not impress anyone with just the two matches that he played. He scored 18 against the Pakistani steamrollers before being bowled, and 11 against SA both at Leeds. I doubt if that’s a record for a person having played all his matches at the same location in a single world cup.

But as World Cup 2003 came, he started off with a duck in his first match against Pakistan again, but soon found his rhythm with good scores in that series, amassing runs when Australia needed them most. Four fifties at quick scoring rates helped Australia redeem their position in this game as the World Champions. He was injured during the course of this world cup and missed out on the Semi Final versus Sri Lanka, but managed to mesmerize in his own way in that all-important Final against the Indian team. After his captain showed the way with a classy and all aggressive brilliant hundred, Martyn came into the party with a super 88* at Johannesburg.
Ever since his comeback in the team in both tests and ODIs, he has been pure ecstasy to watch whether with the bat or in the field.

A typically aussie adding flavor to the table, his best year was 2004, when he went to Sri Lanka and India (instrumental in Australia winning in India after 35 years). He scored 6 centuries in that one year and was a force to reckon with.

A martin is a bird that builds its nest the hard way, mostly where humans live, in buildings. Damien Richard Martyn is like a bird, he flies every now and then for his great catches and he also builds his innings with the bat slowly. 67 Tests, 14 years, 4406 runs at 46.37, plus 208 ODI’s – soldier, you have done well! Its true that your services to this great game and this great team would most certainly be missed, but decisions are to be made. I personally wish you well in the future aspects of your life.

2nd test - DAY FOUR REPORT:

(Karthik Narayan)

Even though the Aussies had gotten out of trouble, they were not far from it. A mini collapse would enable England to sneak in back into the test – they had a healthy first innings score. Here is where the Aussies are so good – they have enough heroes in their midst. Clarke came to the fore with a decent century – it wasn’t by any means enterprising, or his normal speedy ones, but it was highly effective. At the other end, the wily stumper, Adam Gilchrist pounded the English attack and made 64 in good time (about 80 balls) and made up for lost time and strengthened the Aussie total.

The Aussies were dismissed after Tea for 513, but they had saved their skins! Clarke’s century, Warne’s stubborn 43 had kicked them out of the hole England had tried to dig for them. Hoggard had all the honors of one of the best bowling performances at the ground with 7 wickets in the innings. He really relishes the aussie batsmen, as he has made quite a bit of five-fors against them.

England resumed where they left off – the batting was never in question in this test.

With just 4 sessions left in the test, it looks very much to peter into a draw. The pitch just seems too good a batting surface for any miracles to happen at this stage.

2nd test - DAY THREE REPORT

(karthik Narayan)

Australia walked into bat with the wall against their backs and trouble lurking ahead. The first session was too crucial for both sides that the tension did show on the faces. England had the upper hand, but anything is possible in the game of cricket.

Hayden didn’t last much longer than a handful of runs in the morning session, and the sun was already on the shoulders of the Englishmen. Martyn stooped into double figures, only the third Aussie from the top 4 to do so, but at 65/3, Ponting and Hussey had a job on their hands. There were two things to do: stem the wicket flow, and also to keep a partnership going. Both were tough under the circumstances with a huge lead.

Luckily, England fielders have an uncanny habit of dropping catches – they would rather catch butterflies but are butterfingers with the cricket ball. That helped the Aussies a great deal – by lunch on day 3, the Oz were making things happen. And by end of the day, they were better placed at 312/5, Ponting becoming the maximum century maker for Australia with his 33rd century in test matches. His magic with the willow continues!!

Hussey made an useful 91 and together they had thwarted the English bowlers except Hoggard, who kept nagging away for his 4 wickets in the day.

2ND TEST DAY TWO REPORT:

DAY TWO REPORT:

(KARTHIK NARAYAN)

England looked solid for a big total on the board with wickets in hand and a partnership striking panic in the mind of the Australians. Ponting’s bowlers looked jaded and nothing really clicked for them. After getting the third Englishmen (Bell, 60) at 158, they had to wait for a hiatus to strike again. 310 runs split the 3rd and 4th wickets and it only meant that the agony had been built right under their noses.

With a mini collapse coming in, the Englishmen promptly declared at 551/6, the runs coming in 168 overs and 3 Australians having given away over a hundred runs off their bowling, something that hadn’t been commonplace at all in the first test.

When the Australians started off, they didn’t have the blessings for a good end – Langer was dismissed with the score at 8.

Ponting and Hayden readied themselves for some real challenges towards the end of the second days’ play.

The scores at end of day two:

Eng 1st Inns: 551/6

Collingwood 206
Pietersen 158 (his highest score equaled thrice now)
Bell 60

Aus 1st Inns 28/1

Flintoff picking up Langer on the last ball of the 2nd over of the innings (his first over)

THE ASHES – SECOND TEST

THE ASHES – SECOND TEST

ADELAIDE OVAL, DEC 1-5, 2006

DAY ONE REPORT:

(KARTHIK NARAYAN)

What an amazing turnaround from the first test! England played their first innings and made it look like nothing like the fiasco of the first test had ever happened.

They won the toss and set themselves in to bat against the Aussies. The hero of the first test was playing indeed, good news for the Aussies (McGrath). But the happiness was short lived as nothing really happened for the home team.

Even though wickets did fall, England were 45/2, but Bell and Collingwood steadied the ship and looked in fine nick. Collingwood was playing a special innings, like he has always been the harbinger of good fortunes for England.

Bell was dismissed soon after the two put up a century partnership, but the mantle had been passed on to one of the most exciting stars of the England side – Kevin Pietersen! Collingwood on one side and Pietersen on the other made matters worse for the Aussies.

At the end of day one, the Poms were 266/3, with Collingwood closing in on what would be a fine century (98*) and Pietersen giving him good company (60*).