The leaked tape of the Indian Premier Leak

(Karthik Narayan)

Breaking news: guess what our lucky reporter ran into when he accidentally stepped into cow dung – he managed to overhear and tape an interesting conversation. Here are some excerpts from the leaked tape. Now that’s what we call holy shit!

Modi: Malcolm, fast!

Malcolm Speed: It’s actually Speed.

Modi: Oh? Nice movie. Saw it three times.

Malcolm Speed: No, Speed, really.

Modi: Eh? Anyway, I understand that you like instant action, but don’t be so impatient, my friend (Pauses to cough) I told Pawar about this concept and he is thrilled that we are all going to be in the money, err. I mean we will all have some good cricket action.

Malcolm: What difference does it make, anyway? So, what’s your idea?

Modi: Look, its summer in India. What makes the biggest news in the Indian summers?

Malcolm: Question Paper Leak?

Modi: Exactly! After the QPL, it shall be….

Malcolm: The ICL?

Modi: You mean, the Indian Chemical Leak?

No, not Bhopal! Anyway you are on the right track. I give you - the name Indian Physical Leak!

Malcolm: Hmmm. doesn’t sound all that great to me. I mean, we need a flashy title to it, even if it’s some dumb thing.

Modi: Ok? Then… the Indian Public Leak? Indian Procrastinated Leak? Indian Powerful Leak (or Pawar-full Leak). Practice Leak? Premium Leak? Prepaid Leak? Premier Leak? (Catches up with breath. He is panting to no end now)

Malcolm: Ah, the last one is a lot better! It’s got a nice feel to it. It’s between Premium Leak and Premier Leak – I guess we should go with the latter; the former looks pricey. So how does this work?

Modi: Do you know what is the biggest business; which is universal across the globe; that every man and woman wants, comes at a price but is worth it?

Malcolm: Umm, no can’t even guess. What is such a great thing in this world?

Modi: Almost everybody pays for it; this is done even in the jungles/ walls and movie posters. The poor worms, snails repel this so much they quit their jobs. Mosquitoes stopped tearing people’s blood cells and instead tore at their own! It gives a shiver up a snake’s spine. Lizards couldn’t stand it that they don’t leave even their tails behind anymore! All living beings go berserk because of this act by humans. What is it?

Malcolm: Hey let me have three guesses please?

Modi: All right!

Malcolm: A – watching cricket and golf in adjacent TV sets and trying to decide which is more boring. B – Listening to Sirbhajan and Resanth swearing at each other, at everyone in sight and not in sight. C – Trying to figure out who is a better actor, the cricketers or the movie stars.

Modi: No, no and no! Going for a leak, that’s what! Using the restroom. Why is it called the rest room anyway? I do not recall taking rest in that smelly place..

Anyway, it will be the world’s greatest show on earth! Movie stars and cricketers in the same ground, leaking! Imagine the crowd size, the fun and the gala time we will have…

But first, we should have a urine test and an auction! Believe me, this will be the greatest waste on earth!

(To be concluded)